Porkuls. We love, we laugh, we cry.. but most of all we kick ass! (and eat fish).

It was a hot day in Roswald Deep Fort; Macabre was getting summoned back to the world to wreak death and havoc or something, and a bunch of stuff happened, he appeared, killed his cultists some more stuff was said; it was scary but.. if not for a small band of adventurers this could have been really bad. Like really really bad. Among the group was a Gnome named Ami; an Elf named Helga and two Porkuls who'd crossed paths a few times before but always seemed to have a good time when they were together.

One was Azunyan Aino, a firey purple haired Porkul maiden (made of equal parts cuteness and powerful magic spells) and the other was Rodrigez Montiago.. (a thief >_>). In a little group huddle before the inevitable battle, Ami and Helga were talking about strategy or something.. but little Azunyan and Rodrigez had a little conversation that went something like this..

  • Azunyan: Hey Rodrigez; I want some cakes.
  • Rodrigez: Me too! Want to go to Porkul Pete's Night Club in The Old Sewers after this?
  • Azunyan: It's a date!

This excited Rodrigez, he always liked Azunyan alot and was glad she wanted to go out on the town for some tasty treats. Let's hope the rest of the night goes well. It was time though, for the group to make their way into battle with the fiercesom wraith Macabre. As they began to advance toward him.. powerful overwhelming thoughts of food gripped Rodrigez..

"OOOHHH!!! My stomache.. fis..h.. hel..p.. me...." and he collapsed by some rubble at the door. Helga and Ami looked shocked.. They were in contemplation of what was wrong.. possibly thinking he was a coward.. Azunyan though chimed in.. "This isn't cowardice. This Porkul is suffering from Acute Food Addiction and needs food badly. Quick let's finish this monster off so he can eat something!"

(Acute Food Addiction is a crippling mental and physical condition that strikes at certain times in a Porkul's life. Usually in moments of high stress when it's been several hours since the last meal. These conditions are rare, as a porkul rarely goes several hours without snacks, and is naturally so awesome that stress doesn't seem to bother them so much. Asking cute girls out on dates, and fighting something called the King of Death in a short period of time can lead to Acute Food Addiction symptoms though. The only cure is removing elements of the situation -in this case the proximity to the King of Death- and at the minimum the promise of some treats. If you or anyone else you know is suffering from Acute Food Addiction please contact your closest union member and see if they'll help you).

With those words, the rest of the party made their way to Macabre and some things and some stuff happened. Rodrigez could hear spells being chanted, and clubs smacking a nasty beast, but from his spot behind the rocks curled up in a ball craving food he could barely make out what was happening. The battle ended after some time.. and the A.F.A. symptoms began to clear up. As Rodrigez got to his feet though.. some vampire guy showed up..

  •  Some Vampire Guy: Hey you! You truly are the filth of filth.. The King of Filth..
  • Rodrigez: Uhm. Are you for real dropping some lines like that?
  •  Some Vampire Guy: Hey don't blame me.. blame the localization team. I'm supposed to be scary; promise.
  • Rodrigez: Hey man, it's cool. I'm gonna go on a date, you know with a cute girl.. bye now.

I'll get you!! Oh be sure to stay alive til then.. Ahaha.. Hahaha.. *You get it typical 80's villain laugh, with some neat disappearing smoke trick*

After the appearance and disappearance of that vampire guy, a quick return to town was made. Helga and Ami said their farewells, and wished the two porkuls a safe and fun night. After getting to town Rodrigez needed to report to the Ministry of Arcanum and talk to Zermu about what had happened. He thanked Rodrigez and sent him on his way. As Rodrigez left the Ministry though, some dopey, slack jawed, stupid looking idiot bumped into him and started jabbering away about Guardians blood, and what an adventurer he was and all this senseless crap that seemed disjointed and forced to throw into any kind of conversation whatsoever.. So he shrugged and ignored him and went back into the central part of town to get back with Azunyan and head out for their date.

  • Azunyan: Hey Rodrigez, what took so long? My stomache is killing me.
  • Rodrigez: Sorry just some humans being human.
Random human
   * Random Human: Hey just what do you mean by that lad?
  • Rodrigez: Oh nothing; heh.. uhm. Yeah.. Humans are great!
  • Random Human: *Roll eyes, shakes head and sighs* Porkuls.

With the chit chat out of the way, the Dungeon Guide led the two Porkuls on their way to the Old Sewers. Getting to the Sewer was uneventful; but upon arriving, a roving gang of human roller bladers moved to them. They smelled like malt liquor and were covered in feces, but hey humans' gonna human.

Random human1
Roller Blader 1: "Haha, look at this. Two little porkuls out all alone in "Blade" territory. Hahaa."

Roller Blader 2: "Yeah, they don't even have skates.. I bet they don't even know what training wheels are."

Roller Blader 1: "Haha, I bet that little boy one has some money he's too scared to bet on a race."

At this point, Azunyan and Rodrigez weren't sure what to make of the situation.. These humans daring to blade with porkuls? Almost everyone knew a porkuls rites to adulthood required mastery of roller blading. Stupid humans.

  • Rodrigez: "I tell you what humans, you pick the course.. I'll show you skills you humans wish you had."

Roller Blader 2: Ok Porkuls come with us. We'll go to the Roller Rink just past these here stairs. Hope you're ready.

  • Rodrigez: I hope you're ready.


                     Roller Bladers: 
Let's blade

Azunyan smiled, she was thrilled to see Rodrigez stick up to the hooligans. She dusted off some of the cleaner stones in a corner and sat down. Rodrigez pulled out his Illfalo Jams Mix Tape and put it in the humans' jukebox; and slipped on his roller blades.

Referrence materials:      
Roller blades

Tone Loc - Funky Cold Medina (Official Video) HQ

Tone Loc - Funky Cold Medina (Official Video) HQ

The human's couldn't deny the fresh jams, and started getting their groove on as the first run of the course started. Roller Blader 1 put on a nice show with no outstanding tricks, he preferred to play it safe. Roller Blader 2 tried some fancy things, but fell a few times. It was Roller Blader 3 that really put the show on. he popped his neck, stretched, and took a few deep breaths and put on a hell of a show. Something like this.. but not.

Rollingrock TV rollerblading - Jan Nachbur USD Park edit-0

Rollingrock TV rollerblading - Jan Nachbur USD Park edit-0

Roller Bladers : *Laughter* Let's see you top that little one. Ahahaha.. You're going to lose; just like your whole race does at being tall.
Let's blade2

Anyhow, it was time finally for Rodrigez to take to the course, and show his moves. Sadly, they were too epic and skillfull for anyone other than other porkuls to witness.. the very ground shook beneath the skill he displayed.. blowing away the previous performance.. During the epic showing of his skills; the humans failed to handle the awesomeness and passed out. (For the safety of those reading; images and footage will not be displayed > _ >)

Whatever brah

They laughed at his skills, he laughed at their unconscious bodies.

 As he started to take his roller blades off though, he could hear the groaning of some nasty creature. The floor began to shake.. and Azunyan shouted for Rodrigez to hide. This wasn't good.. Thoughts of delicious food began haunting his mind.. his stomache started to ache.. Oh no, it was a sudden onset of Acute Food Addiction again. The stomping of some humongous creature was getting closer and closer.. what could it be!!

Carley up in the house
 It was Carley! She must have been awakened from the sound of all the rollerblading just above her little hideout in the Underground Dragoon Ruins. She was pissed off about being woke up during her nap.

  • Carley: Who in tarnation is up here bouncing all over? It better not be those Humans again!
  • Azunyan: Rodrigez run!
  • Rodrigez: I.. wa..nt.. to.. ea.t... uhh..
  • Azunyan: They have chicken strips. You owe me cakes!
  • Carley: Shut up!! I've been trying to sleep. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get comfortable when you've got metal hooks and random shit poking out all over your body? It's ridiculous.. Then you got these Humans roller blading like crazy all through here, and the dust from the ceiling in my apartment is getting knocked off onto these open sores where this spring thing is sticking out of my ribs. It hurts!! I am nice, really, I am! I stay away from the rest of society, but you all need to get quiet! Or I'll be forced to cram my nasty bird looking foot up your as..

  • Azunyan: Oh be quiet! I've had enough of you!! And you're not going to mess my date up anymore! First it was some jerk in town, then this gang of roller bladers, now you! I want some cake.. I want some chicken, and I want you out of my face!

  • Carley: Oh well, when you put it that way.. ok. Just let me stomp on you a few times.. I'll be happy and go home.
Azunyan getting angry
 * Azunyan: You asked for it!! *With some quiet chanting, and quick magical gestures she let loose a powerful fireball that wrecked Carley and sent her flying across the room and flat on her back*

Carley down in the house
Carley was out for the count. With the threat of the monster out of the way; Rodrigez's A.F.A. began to wear off and he was able to get to his feet. Porkul Pete's Night Club was just around the corner too and things were finally starting to look up.

Finally the good stuff


Turning down the hallway, the pair of Porkuls finally descended the stairs and down the corridor full of traps set to deter humans and other pests. And finally the sign to Pete's could be seen.

It was almost too good to be true. Per usual, the sound of great music could be heard even outside the club.

  • Rodrigez: Ladies first.
  • Azunyan: How gentle of you. ^ ^

When they stepped into the door; the smell of delicious food was nearly overwhelming. They walked over to the counter where the waitress was and looked over the menu. 
Montiago and Aino4
  • Azunyan: I'll have some cake to start and then a tasty soup please.
  • Liam: And for you sir? -to Rodrigez
  • Rodrigez: I want some cake, and some chicken strips. Like 3 pieces. I'm starving. You wouldn't belie..

  • Azunyan: ssht. Rodrigez, ssh. Eat.
Montiago and Aino3

So they walked over to the table. And chatted about all sorts of things.. How harnesses are uncomfortable and cut off the circulation to the left arm with that nasty armor plate all fastened down.. humans being racist to Porkuls, and eventually it came time for the main course. They laid down on the table and ate, as is Porkul custom.

Montiago and Aino1

And finally it was time for second deserts. The second desert is needed to help cleanse the pallete of any un-sweet treat tastes left by typical meat and bread meals. A Porkul's taste buds are delicate things; and the average Porkul consumes twice the amount of sweet foods as they do any other food types.. Despite boasts of eating fish and chips all day. Anyways yes, second deserts.

Montiago and Aino2
They ate the second desert. Just as it was time to pay the ticket though, Rodrigez leaned over to Azunyan and gave her a kiss on the cheek (This is serious stuff for Porkuls!) and paid the tab. She blushed and hopped off the stool. They began to leave the club for their return trip home.. But that my friends is a tale best suited for it's own telling.
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.